Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A years time ... a guilty heart

The 24th is quickly coming and my head hurts with the emotions i feel . How did a year pass so fast? where did that time go? I miss her so much ...most days i just go through the motions reminding myself that i am one day closer to seeing her beautiful face her amazing smile and getting to hold her tight. then it hits me that i am 1 day farther from the last day i held her close kissed her head and saw her eyes so full of life. with that being said i am once again flooded with emotions GUILT being the biggest one... how can i feel so sad and upset when i have such a blessing snuggled in my arms ... a little person who needs me, who counts on me to provide for him ,to love and care for him?  How can i wish she never left when that would mean he would never have been conceived... this is fucked up...

I wish that this got easier. i wish this didnt creep up on me. i wish that i could be holding both my babies. I wish my heart didnt hurt.

one year already... it just isnt fair....

God i trust in you ... but please give me strength ... i am breaking down... :'(

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Gabriel Alexander Lee has safely arrived!

On March 12th 2012 chris and I went to my last Ob appointment and everything looked great. i was having regular contractions and they where uncomfortable but nothing i couldnt handle. so we hung out most the day got chipotle and cupcakes "the last meal" :)

All day i was battling a bad headache and my body was achy, all i could think was crap please tell me i am not sick! so i layed in bed from about 3pm to 9 trying to sleep and feel better. That wasnt happening so i told chris to take me to L&D to see if they could give me something to take the edge off seeing that i NEEDED sleep for the days to come.
I checked in to L&D and thats when the fun began!!! they decided to admit me and start the induction!!!

At 11:40 pm they gave me a half of a pill they called miso and by 3 am i was having regular strong contractions that where helping me progress yay! so they held back to see what would happen. At 6am they checked me and i was at 2cm i was thinning but not much more so they gave me some more miso and let me hang out some more.
At 11 am on the 23rd they decided to start the pitocin! <------ OWWWWW! they slowly bumped it up and it was getting the contractions to come hard and fast (yay!) i thought for sure that they where doing something good! boy was i wrong. With every contraction Gabriels heart rate would dip and to be honest it was scary so they told me that i HAD to lay in bed. Oh well i was tired anyways. So at 2 they checked me and i was still at a 2 , 2 1/2 at best ... DARN IT!
Thats when i decided that i was going to get an epidural. I knew that if i didnt get relief and this labor dragged out as long as Olivias that i would not get any sleep at all. so they placed the epi and i settled in and relaxed.
this was at 230ish pm. At 10 til 3 nikki decided to take a shower and relax. chris layed in the window bed and i snuggled my owl and tried to fall asleep. Around 3pm i felt what i thought was a kick or a punch and then a HUGE GUSH!

LOL ...

the nurse came in and checked and sure enough it was my water and it was clear! yay.
then the doctor came in to check my cervix i was all the way dialated! in less than an hour i went from a 2 to fully dilated and effaced! DAMN!

they gave me the choice to hang out or to push and i said "i want this boy out!!!"
they had me "practice" push and sure enough just like olivia i was still a great pusher! his head came down. i was ready to get him out! and getting him out is what i did!

at 417pm i gave birth to a beautiful 8lb 6oz baby boy!

we are all doing great and are home taking in every minute of it!

we are so thankful and proud <3

Sunday, March 4, 2012

serious business!

time to get this kid out! seriously i am done being pregnant.

38 weeks and counting and i am tired uncomfy and i would like to put my shoes on alone again...

so that's my plan get baby out!

Monday, February 27, 2012

two in less than a year...

Early this morning my father in law passed away. I remember the day that we got the news that he had cancer. It hit us like a ton of bricks and we screamed at God why our family. We had found out not to much before that, that Olivia was going to be born with half a heart.
Our family was crushed and we knew what we had to do. FIGHT. and that is what both Olivia and Chris Sr did.
If you followed us over from or you know our family IRL, or even just as FB friends you know that Olivia passed away not even a year ago on Easter night. She left this world fighting for her life. It has been a painful year and processing her death has been very hard for all of us. Chris's dad now had a mighty strong little angel watching over him as he continued to fight off his cancer.
November this year we got another very heart breaking call that Dad was not doing well and that the cancer was getting worst. We vowed that 2012 was GOING to be a good year.... but little did we know that we would be right back where we started begging to God "please dont take another"
If you saw the amount of loved ones that surrounded dad in his final moments you would cry. It was beautiful to see although such a tragic time.
We are so proud of the fight that BOTH Olivia and Dad put up... and now the pain and the suffering of treatments, needles, medicines and heart ache no longer will they feel. They are in heaven now in the most beautiful place that us humans cannot even comprehend. Their souls and spirit WILL live on in us.

If you would please say a prayer for our family... If you have lost a loved one you know that this pain does not go away you only learn to live with it... Thank you for all the love and support that has been given and continues to come.

May you both rest in peace ...
Fly high with the angels in heaven with our lord.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

9 months.

Well I am 9 months and the anxiety of birth and is this it? questions and fears are in full swing. Ive been home alone sense Friday really and honestly its a little scary knowing that if something happens then there will be a scramble of "shit now what???"
on Friday i spent the night in L&D, i went in because my blood pressure was high and i also lost a chunk of plug- EWW! . so they got me into a room and checked me and thats when i found out i am dilated 1cm and i was having pretty regular contractions. these ones appeared different and very normal on the strip so they had me stay. they gave me a percocet to relax and the contractions settled out and became less and less. Chris came and slept in a chair next to me. and although his head was some where else it was nice to be able to reach out and touch his arm.
the doctor caring for me was able to put me on the schedule for induction so that i dont have to worry about that so mark your calenders MARCH 13TH 2012 if i have not gone into labor on my own and i stay healthy then i will be having a baby then.

well thats all for now but I am ready to have my little man here to focus on.

Saturday, February 18, 2012


please say a prayer for our family....
things are not looking good.
Poppa is in the hospital and is very sick. Cancer is an ugly thing. I hate CHDs and i hate CANCER!

im so sad for my husband.... torn in half. :(

why is life so hard :(

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Getting there

So I find myself in this odd spot in my life and being. Its hard to explain but I have times of tremendous grief that over takes me and i cry and wish that things where different. I see updates of children who where born the same time as Olivia and they are doing so well and i cant help but wonder all of the what ifs. Then there are days that i find myself laughing so hard i am crying from utter joy, (as i write this i am crying knowing that i am still smiling and that i can make it through this) .... i am so thankful for the little life who dwells in my belly, so thankful for the AMAZING life that i was blessed with who lives with Jesus now, the SUPPORTIVE LOVING CARING AND WONDERFUL MAN  i am married to, whom i would not have made it this far with out him, and the beautiful little girl that brightens up our days with her silly sayings and lovely hugs.

Chris pointed out to me that at my SURPRISE baby shower pictures the HUGE smile i was wearing most of the day.
if you have lost i hope that you can find that smile too... Olivia's death has taught me a lot to stop and be thankful and happy for what you do have. things CAN be worst ... i know a few people that have witnessed this. Our family is faced with another really hard topic in our life CANCER. So i am hoping that Chris and i can continue to be the strong people we where raised to be and come out of this still with a smile and the knowledge to love like you have never loved before and to laugh .

ok i am rambling now. i must get back to cleaning the house and getting ready for what ever the weekend will bring.